In order to be a Republican, follow these rules:
Advocate tax cuts—especially for high-income people and corporations, and especially for capital gains income.
Praise Jesus, and say that everything you do is in the name of Christianity.
In foreign affairs, say that every other country should yield to the will of the United States.
Threaten to use American military power to force other counties to comply with American policies.
Oppose abortion.
Advocate domestic policies that help American corporations make higher profits.
Oppose domestic policies that help labor unions.
Oppose domestic policies that force corporations to reduce their air or water pollution.
Oppose affirmative action laws.
Never admit that the theory of evolution is correct—or, at least, that it applies to humans. Insist that the schools teach Creationism or Intelligent Design.
Advocate using public education funds to subsidize parochial, private, and charter schools.
Advocate tax laws that encourage American corporations to offshore their work to foreign countries, where employee salaries are lower.
Oppose any health care program that would compete with health insurance corporations.
Oppose any restriction on the sale or ownership of firearms.
If any Democratic politician commits marital infidelity, demand that he resign from office.
If you are caught committing marital infidelity, say that God has asked you to remain in office.
Label any government-run enterprise “socialism”--except for the U.S. Postal Service, police department, fire department, water department, highway department, street department, public library, and public schools.
Watch Fox News. As a Republican, you probably already believe that white people are better than colored people; that Christianity is better than Islam, Judaism, or atheism; and that taxation is unfair. When you see the people on Fox News repeat these beliefs, that will give you the excuse that you have been seeking in order to justify your beliefs.
If the current President is a Republican:
Encourage every citizen to support the President.
Say that Congress should give the President all of the power that he needs.
If the President's budget uses misleading accounting methods to camouflage the actual deficit, don't say anything.
If the current President is a Democrat:
Say that the President is a dictator.
Say that the federal government is too powerful, and more power should be transferred to the states.
Say that the President's budget is too wasteful.
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