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C L U B T O P 5
The ready-to-serve humor list!
NOTE FROM CHRIS:
Supporters of presidential candidate Ron Paul are starting their very own cities "containing 100% Ron Paul supporters and/or people that live by the ideals of freedom and liberty." The first such Ronburgh is located in West Texas.
Yes, f'reals: http://paulville.org
The Top 14 Signs You're in Ron Paulville
14> The local Paul-Mart sells nothing but guns, knives, batteries and tinfoil hats.
13> Since they don't expressly involve the "pursuit of happiness," funerals are banned.
12> Despite a score of 25-2, little league games last 20 or more innings, with the trailing team refusing to admit defeat.
11> Littering is discouraged, although it *is* okay to waste your vote.
10> Constant complaints about the size of the city government -- even though there *is* no city government.
9> It's easier to get a bazooka permit than decent sushi.
8> Mayor Willie Nelson's prayer breakfast? Oreos.
7> Yours is the only town in Irrelevant County.
6> All the men dress in drag and... oops. That's RuPaulville!
5> Your house keeps getting egged by those hoodlums from across the tracks in Noneoftheaboverton.
4> *Nobody* belongs to the Homeowners' Association or Neighborhood Watch.
3> The citizens of nearby Perotville and Nader Heights all think you're nuts.
2> "City Hall" is just a guy in a tent with a spiral notebook.
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Sign You're in Ron Paulville...
1> In a bedroom community where the motto is "Like minded people, coming together," you're either in Paulville or Hefnerland.
[ Copyright 2008 by Chris White/TopFive.com ]
Copyright 2008 by Chris White All rights reserved.
Do not publish or broadcast without permission.
The Web's Best Original Humor http://www.topfive.com/club.htm
Funny, inexpensive, and to-the-point.
<http://www.nomcw.com/>
“The events in our lives happen in a sequence in time, but in their significance to ourselves they find their own order: the continuous thread of revelation.”
“Never think you’ve seen the last of anything.”
“A good snapshot stops a moment from running away.” — Eudora Welty, American short story writer and novelist (1909-2001)
“The fool doth think he is wise, but the wise man knows himself a fool.”
“If a million people say a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing.”
“Nature has no principles. She makes no distinction between good and evil.” — Anatole France, French writer, (1844-1924)
“True merit, like a river, the deeper it is, the less noise it makes”
“Those who are of the opinion that money will do everything may reasonably be expected to do everything for money.”
“Ignorance makes most men go into a political party, and shame keeps them from getting out of it.” — Edward F. Halifax, English statesman; (1881-1959)
Swift Boat Vet Operative Vows To "Attack Obama Viciously"
By Greg Sargent - May 14, 2008, 9:55AM TPM Central
Check out this little nugget buried in today's Washington Post piece on the efforts by the Obama and McCain campaigns to steer donors away from third-party groups:
"We will attack Obama viciously on all fair issues, whether they are national security, whether they are taxes or the economy," promised Chris LaCivita, one of the Republican strategists behind the Swift Boat Veterans for Truth, the group that attacked Democratic presidential candidate John F. Kerry in 2004.
LaCivita added: "At the end of the day, every individual has a right to participate in the political process whether John McCain likes it or not. It's their constitutional right."
Hmmm -- "attack Obama viciously," huh? Don't say you weren't warned.
To read more of the story, go to:
< http://tinyurl.com/5av2pv>
Analysis: Obama reacts fast to Bush on diplomacy
By CHARLES BABINGTON, WASHINGTON (AP) — In President Bush's hint that Barack Obama wants to appease terrorists, Democrats heard troubling echoes of 2004, when Republicans portrayed John Kerry as irresolute and weak on national security.
Determined to end the similarities there, Obama and his allies counterattacked Friday with a multi-pronged response that was as fast and fierce as Kerry's response to the Swift Boat Veterans for Truth ads was slow and uncertain.
And while the Democrats' first-day responses focused on Bush's speech this week in Israel, Friday's reactions mainly targeted John McCain, the GOP presidential candidate who seemed largely on the sidelines at first.
Obama, appearing unusually feisty and at times sarcastic, led the countercharge himself. Campaigning in South Dakota, he departed from planned remarks to rebuke Bush and McCain, and then called a news conference for a second dose.
"I was offended by what is a continuation of a strategy from this White House, now mimicked by Senator McCain, that replaces strategy and analysis and smart policy with bombast, exaggerations and fear-mongering," the Illinois senator said.
Bush's speech Thursday to the Israeli parliament, he said, wasn't about policy.
"It was about politics, about trying to scare the American people," Obama said. "And that's what will not work in this election because the American people can look back at the track record of George Bush, supported by John McCain," and conclude that the nation was misled about the Iraq war's justification, cost, length and benefit to America.
To read more, go to:
<http://ap.google.com/article/ALeqM5jhuSCSHf0_NnOvpd5kajS5SdNBdgD90N00R01>
From Politico.com:
With her deep party ties, New York Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton was supposed to own the superdelegate primary. But in the last two months, it’s been the rookie, Democratic rival Barack Obama, who has maximized his superdelegate moments.
When new images of the Rev. Jeremiah Wright’s “Goddamn” America sermon emerged in March, New Mexico Gov. Bill Richardson was escorted to a stage to dub the Illinois senator a "once-in-a-lifetime leader” and steady the candidate.
In the aftermath of another staggering wave of Wright publicity, and after Obama was thrashed in the Pennsylvania primary, it was former Democratic National Committee chairman and one-time Clinton backer Joe Andrew’s turn to stanch the bleeding, as Obama fought for a close finish in Andrew’s home state of Indiana.
And then there was former presidential challenger John Edwards on stage this week in Michigan, endorsing Obama and putting the brakes on any momentum Clinton might have seized from her West Virginia primary rout.
It is unclear whether the timing of these show-stopping endorsements was the product of luck or design. Both the candidates and the superdelegates are on virgin turf, feeling their way through a primary phase that hasn't been tested since the nominating rules were written in the late 1980s.
Obama’s campaign won’t elaborate on its superdelegate strategy. “As people tell us they support us, we release it,” said Bill Burton, a campaign spokesman.
<http://www.politico.com/news/stories/0508/10396.html>
[From Politico.com]
Rats don’t swim toward sinking ships, and pols don’t back no losers, and this is why Hillary Clinton is in such trouble.
In a relatively short amount of time, Clinton has gone from being the inevitable winner to being the underdog to being a dead woman walking.
She needs superdelegates to win the nomination, but what is her argument to superdelegates?
Can she promise them she will win a majority of the pledged delegates that voters have chosen in primaries and caucuses? No.
Can she promise them she can take the lead in the popular vote? No.
Can she promise them she can win a majority of the primary and caucus states? No.
But can she get the superdelegates to overturn the will of the voters, slap African-Americans and young voters in the face and shatter the party? Well, yeah, she can try for that Death Star option.
<http://www.politico.com/news/stories/0508/10177.html>
each other! They're causing irreparable harm! Mommy and daddy are fighting!! Hey, you people need to reach into your teenager's knapsack and pull out a Paxil or a Prozac and chill out.
Democrats, your task is not just to choose between this pair, it's to grow a pair. Now, I know the idea of a very close race brings up some pretty bad memories for Democrats, but these are Democratic primaries. There are no Republicans in this race, so there's nobody organized enough to actually steal the election.
What is so terrible about a long, drawn-out contest? A season of "American Idol" is, what? 87 weeks? That's a lot of time just to pick a cruise ship entertainer. This is the presidency we're talking about.
I understand that a lot of Democrats feel passionately about their candidate, and that's great. But then their passion gets the best of them and they go on websites like dailykos and post stuff like the Obama supporter who wrote, "I will vote for Hillary, but then I will leave the country." Yes, because who could live in a nation that elects the person that you just voted for.
And that is what is so great about the Internet. It enables pompous blowhards to connect with other pompous blowhards in a vast circle-jerk of pomposity.
But, that doesn't mean I'm throwing my hat in for Hillary. For one thing, she'd say I was shooting at her. And I know she's going to have a tough time catching Obama, because he's black and she's not that fast.
But, this is America. We don't call the election before we know who the real winner is. That, after all, is the job of the Supreme Court."
— Bill Maher
To watch the rant, go to:
<http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ltx-Hd23Y7Y&feature=related>
Slate is a daily Webzine offering analysis and commentary about politics, news, and culture. Trailhead, a blog by Christopher Bream that runs in Slate, invited readers to imagine what would have to happen for Barack Obama to lose the Democratic nomination.
Among the winning efforts:
"Obama is actually 34 years old, too young to be president. —Marc Sylvestre
Video surfaces of Obama at that Rev. Wright “God Damn America” sermon that he claims he didn't attend, especially if the video shows him applauding that statement. —Brian Weber
Obama photographed raising pinky while sipping latte! —Benjamin Clark
Customs agents find one of Natalee Holloway's “Carlos ’n Charlie's Aruba” T-shirts in his luggage. —Tom Grayman"
To read the entire list, go to:
<http://tinyurl.com/69k3ao>
From one pocket to the other. At what point will her megalomania be slapped upside the head with a reality check? Or has this already happened, and Hillary's reality check bounced?
For the updated story, go to:
<http://tinyurl.com/5y8yna>
[WashingtonPost.com] INDIANAPOLIS, May 6 -- After failing to win the decisive sweep in North Carolina and Indiana that could have reshaped the Democratic race, disappointed aides to Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton conceded it would be difficult for her to catch Sen. Barack Obama in either delegates or overall votes in the six remaining contests.
To read the rest of the story:
“The uncreative mind can spot wrong answers, but it takes a very creative mind to spot wrong questions.”
“You can judge a leader by the size of the problem he tackles. Other people can cope with the waves, it’s his job to watch the tide.”
“He’s suffering from Politicians’ Logic. Something must be done, this is something, therefore we must do it.” — Antony Jay, British writer and journalist, (b.1930)
“Apparently Arnold was inspired by President Bush, who proved you can be a successful politician in this country even if English is your second language.”
“Scientists announced that they have located the gene for alcoholism. Scientists say they found it at a party, talking way too loudly.”
“A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: “Duh.”” — Conan O’Brien, American television talk show host and writer, (b.1963)
“We are growing serious, and let me tell you, that’s the very next step to being dull.”
“There is nothing which we receive with so much reluctance as advice.”
“Reading is to the mind what exercise is to the body.” — Joseph Addison, English essayist, poet, dramatist and statesman, (1672-1719)
You did an AMAZING job! You were ENERGIZED, you were DRIVEN, and you made the CRUCIAL difference in this campaign. YOU ARE WINNERS — and BARACK OBAMA will be our Presidential nominee because YOU turned out and YOU turned up the HEAT!
EVERY STATE should have volunteers and Obama supporters who worked as hard as you have. Without your efforts, just think what might have happened [and shudder!]!
Now, let's keep up the momentum, and keep the drive going. Volunteers from every state in the union phone-banked into your states. Volunteers from every state in the union contributed to help in your primaries and caucuses.
PASS. IT. FORWARD!
YES WE CAN!
;) Dux Pirate Nurse
Because I know you care, and some days you just need a laugh. ;) Dux
The choice of humor breeders everywhere.
The recent Democratic presidential debate on ABC has been soundly ridiculed, as debate moderators Charlie Gibson and George Stephanopoulos delayed questions about real issues like the economy and the Iraq war in order to ask "important" questions such as one about flag pins proving patriotism.
But hey, if you're going to ask stupid questions at a presidential debate, why not go all out?
The Top 17 Pointless Presidential Debate Questions
17> "Senator Clinton, if you are elected president, do we have to worry about you receiving a blowjob in the oval office?"
16> "Senator McCain, you're old enough to be Senator Obama's father. Are you?"
15> "Senator Obama, if elected, do you promise to bring sexy back?"
14> "Mr. Nader, what have we told you about not taking your pills for those delusions of grandeur?"
13> "Your thoroughly documented military experience in Viet Nam is all well and good, Senator McCain, but were *you* ever shot at in Bosnia?"
12> "Senator Clinton, boxers or briefs?"
11> "Senator Obama, if your name could rhyme with that of any international terrorist, whose would it be and why?"
10> "Senator Clinton, considering the recent strain on relationships between the US and our European allies over the Middle Eastern conflict and the dollar's free fall against the Euro: French President Sarkozy -- dreamboat or boyslut?"
9> "Senator McCain, maybe your first-hand knowledge could settle this important question once and for all: In your experience, did dinosaurs at anytime coexist with mammals?"
8> "Senator Obama, please finish the following sentence: 'My grandmother is so white...'"
7> "Senator McCain, if the bases are loaded with Obama on third, would you bean Clinton anyway?"
6> "Senator Clinton, If I lob softballs, would you consider me for Ambassador of the Sexy?"
5> "Senator Obama, how would *you* accessorize Senator Clinton's pantsuit? Remember, she's a Spring."
4> "Congressman Paul, how is your wife doing with that fish-sticks business of hers?"
3> "Let's say you win the presidency, Senator Clinton, and decide to redecorate the Lincoln Bedroom. Does the carpet match the drapes? (heh heh)"
2> "Senator McCain, wouldn't your inability to raise your arms over your head compromise your presidential responsibilities when it comes to photo-ops at the YMCA?"
and Topfive.com's Number 1 Pointless Presidential Debate Question...
1> "Senator Obama, where were you on the night Nicole Brown Simpson was murdered?"
Copyright 2008 by Chris White
All rights reserved.
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